15 minutes is all I need

I know, I know, you must all be recoiling in shock and amazement right about now … “A list with FOUR items on it?!? However will I finish all of them in 15 minutes?!”

Well, to answer that, I have no idea, but my solution and suggestion to you is for you to stop whining. Srsly. Now - down to business.

1. Mario

If there’s anything that represents the former Soviet Union better than thick mustaches and huge hammers, I don’t know what it is. This moving parody turns Mario into a dark hero of the red nations of the world. And all this time, you thought Tetris was the only decent video game to come from the Soviets.

2. Christmas (and alliteration*)

The clever cartoon is quickly climbing (*) up my list of all-time favorite patriotic American economic satires. Soon enough, it might even surpass Sesame Street. Watch for the cameo from the ’80s TV show that none of us have likely seen.

3. Lemonade

Ha! Betcha didn’t see THAT one coming, did ya? … *sigh* I know, I know. Terrible use of a already terrible pun. My bad.

Despite the gushing, sugary amounts of irony flowing through this particular entry on the list, Leninade is actually pretty good. It’s a little tough to find, and every time I stand in line with a bottle of it in my hand, I feel like I’m turning into “that guy.” You know the one, the hipster who absolutely has to have the specialty foods that are hard to find and stuff … except it’s even worse when it’s lemonade. Oh well. I’ll just keep reminding myself of the beverage’s tagline: “A taste worth standing in line for.”

4. Southern rock ‘n’ roll

Yes, seriously. I’ve saved the best for last, and although it’s debatable whether or not any of the people in this video are actually communists (the band at the front is actually from Finland), this is epic and definitely worth watching. Apparently it’s from 1994, but I didn’t have cable at the time so I never saw it. Enjoy (full version of the song here).

In case you’re interested, the choir in the back has been the official choir of Russia’s army since 1928. They also have much better outfits than the choir I’m in. Srsly.

In Tokyo, more people commute by bicycle than in all of the United States. That’s a lot of bicycles (about 700,000 a day, according to the Washington Post). All those people need places to put their bikes, so the city spent $67 million to build a gigantic, underground robotic parking garage. That’s right. For about $18 a month, you can let a robotic arm valet park your bicycle within the bowels of the garage.

And once you get your bike back from the robots, you want it to stand out, right? Of course you do. Any stylish person in their right mind wouldn’t want to get caught putting around Tokyo on the same ol’ boring two-wheeler that 699,000 other people happen to have. So, of course, the only real option is this $12,600 bicycle from Chanel. It’s got all you really need to get around town: eight gears, a comfortable upright riding position, and three ridiculously expensive Chanel luggage bags. Prices seem to vary, since there are only 50 in existence and only 20 of those available in the United States, according to some purse website that I’d be embarassed to source. If you want to check one out, why not ask this guy (or girl). He’s in Sacramento and is asking a paltry $16,995 for it. What a steal!

I can only imagine the amount of searing jealousy this bike would cause riding past all the scenester fixie-riding kids who couldn’t even dream of affording one. Seriously. It’ll make you cooler. That’s why it’s so expensive.

P.S. They have those garages for cars, too, in several flavors:

courtesy AP

When I was young, my family and I went to one of those churches with the ironic billboard proclaiming clever puns in the name of Christ. The church was small and intimate; like the town it was in, just about everyone knew just about everyone. We eventually stopped attending that church, and my parents switched to another and I slowly stopped going altogether.

Over the years and through various pastoral administrations, I saw the tone of the sign evolve from cutesy and clever to stern, nagging messages along the lines of “delayed obedience is disobedience” (paraphrased - it was years ago).

However, the church where I met many a partying, beer-swilling youth group attendee never had anything as bold and brash as the sign that was briefly displayed in front of a church in the somewhat oddly named Blacklick, Ohio.

It seems the local pastor was tired of listening to Katy Perry’s breakout summer hit, “I kissed a girl.” So he decided to put the fear of God in some potentially promiscuous and inappropriately curious locals.

From MSNBC:

(P.S. I should add that I do not condone looking down on any particular religion just because of the way a few overzealous people represent it. Certain religions seem to have more of these types of people than others, but certain religions are also more common in these parts. Can’t we all just get along?)

The much-hyped Microsoft ad featuring comedian Jerry Seinfeld and Microsoft kahuna Bill Gates finally debuted during last night’s NFL game, and it seems to bank more on the established ideas that we have of Gates and Jerry than on what they’re actually doing - which isn’t much. The ad is being compared all over the Interwebs to the everyday comedy Seinfeld is known for, with headlines like “First Seinfeld Vista ad is out: and makes no sense,” “Microsoft’s Seinfeld campaign: random humor, no Vista,” “Seinfeld and Gates: Was this ad supposed to be funny?” “Seinfeld Vista ad is out, and it’s bizarre,” “The ad about nothing: Seinfeld and Gates go shoe shopping,” and my personal favorite, “Seinfeld / Microsoft ad - what’s the deal with that?”

It’s interesting to see how harshly people really dig into this ad, slamming it as “pathetic,” “thin on content” and “a total dud.” Everyone has been comparing it to the ubiquitous “Hi, I’m a Mac” ads that everyone holds so near and dear to their hearts. But I think it should be pretty obvious that Microsoft isn’t going for that approach. Microsoft has never been about shiny white panels, sleek cases and sex appeal. It’s been about people like Seinfeld - a little awkward, sure - but we still love him for what he does.

But seriously, though… they should have gone with this ad:

A couple weekends ago I spent a few days camping with some friends. For most of the trip, I did my best to annoy everyone by quickly spouting “that’s what she said!” in response to pretty much everything anyone said. Sure enough, today everything fell into place and I just happened upon three great related “twss” (as Natalye would say) examples online.

To play along, just shout “that’s what she said!” at your computer at each of these entries.

1. Top 10 Star Wars TWSS moments (1:13)

Sometimes, there’s nothing better than taking movie lines way out of context. This video does that very, very well.

2. When in doubt . . .

This image was actually posted (via Twitter) by a great blogger who writes about multimedia journalism. I’m not sure if he meant it in the ironic way that I enjoyed it, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all have a great laugh at its expense.

3. I’m sure lots of people would react the same way, dear

courtesy NY Daily News

For this one, you’re going to have to do a little work and read something (I know, I know, I’m sorry). But trust me, it’ll be worth it. This is the story of a woman’s amazingly home-grown zucchini, and the “shock” it brought to her. It’s filled with tons of priceless quotes that can really, only truly be appreciated by yelling “that’s what she said!” after each line. Here’s a sampling:

“I went to look at it one day and was like, ‘It’s a little long,’ then a few days later, I said, ‘Oh, my God, what’s this?’

“I was so in shock, I grow them every year, but never more than about 4feet.

“I decided I wasn’t going to touch it and just let it grow.”

She said several friends gave her zucchini seeds, but she doesn’t know who gave her the special one.

The home-care worker also grows tomatoes and string beans but says this fruit will not be making its way to her dinner plate anytime soon.

“I’m going to save it and use the seeds for next year,” she said.

“It’s getting hard, so wouldn’t be good to eat anymore and it’s starting to grow very slowly.

Make sure you read the full story from the New York Daily News for the priceless quote that ends the bizzare story.