I know, I know, you must all be recoiling in shock and amazement right about now … “A list with FOUR items on it?!? However will I finish all of them in 15 minutes?!”

Well, to answer that, I have no idea, but my solution and suggestion to you is for you to stop whining. Srsly. Now - down to business.

1. Mario

If there’s anything that represents the former Soviet Union better than thick mustaches and huge hammers, I don’t know what it is. This moving parody turns Mario into a dark hero of the red nations of the world. And all this time, you thought Tetris was the only decent video game to come from the Soviets.

2. Christmas (and alliteration*)

The clever cartoon is quickly climbing (*) up my list of all-time favorite patriotic American economic satires. Soon enough, it might even surpass Sesame Street. Watch for the cameo from the ’80s TV show that none of us have likely seen.

3. Lemonade

Ha! Betcha didn’t see THAT one coming, did ya? … *sigh* I know, I know. Terrible use of a already terrible pun. My bad.

Despite the gushing, sugary amounts of irony flowing through this particular entry on the list, Leninade is actually pretty good. It’s a little tough to find, and every time I stand in line with a bottle of it in my hand, I feel like I’m turning into “that guy.” You know the one, the hipster who absolutely has to have the specialty foods that are hard to find and stuff … except it’s even worse when it’s lemonade. Oh well. I’ll just keep reminding myself of the beverage’s tagline: “A taste worth standing in line for.”

4. Southern rock ‘n’ roll

Yes, seriously. I’ve saved the best for last, and although it’s debatable whether or not any of the people in this video are actually communists (the band at the front is actually from Finland), this is epic and definitely worth watching. Apparently it’s from 1994, but I didn’t have cable at the time so I never saw it. Enjoy (full version of the song here).

In case you’re interested, the choir in the back has been the official choir of Russia’s army since 1928. They also have much better outfits than the choir I’m in. Srsly.

In Tokyo, more people commute by bicycle than in all of the United States. That’s a lot of bicycles (about 700,000 a day, according to the Washington Post). All those people need places to put their bikes, so the city spent $67 million to build a gigantic, underground robotic parking garage. That’s right. For about $18 a month, you can let a robotic arm valet park your bicycle within the bowels of the garage.

And once you get your bike back from the robots, you want it to stand out, right? Of course you do. Any stylish person in their right mind wouldn’t want to get caught putting around Tokyo on the same ol’ boring two-wheeler that 699,000 other people happen to have. So, of course, the only real option is this $12,600 bicycle from Chanel. It’s got all you really need to get around town: eight gears, a comfortable upright riding position, and three ridiculously expensive Chanel luggage bags. Prices seem to vary, since there are only 50 in existence and only 20 of those available in the United States, according to some purse website that I’d be embarassed to source. If you want to check one out, why not ask this guy (or girl). He’s in Sacramento and is asking a paltry $16,995 for it. What a steal!

I can only imagine the amount of searing jealousy this bike would cause riding past all the scenester fixie-riding kids who couldn’t even dream of affording one. Seriously. It’ll make you cooler. That’s why it’s so expensive.

P.S. They have those garages for cars, too, in several flavors:

courtesy AP

When I was young, my family and I went to one of those churches with the ironic billboard proclaiming clever puns in the name of Christ. The church was small and intimate; like the town it was in, just about everyone knew just about everyone. We eventually stopped attending that church, and my parents switched to another and I slowly stopped going altogether.

Over the years and through various pastoral administrations, I saw the tone of the sign evolve from cutesy and clever to stern, nagging messages along the lines of “delayed obedience is disobedience” (paraphrased - it was years ago).

However, the church where I met many a partying, beer-swilling youth group attendee never had anything as bold and brash as the sign that was briefly displayed in front of a church in the somewhat oddly named Blacklick, Ohio.

It seems the local pastor was tired of listening to Katy Perry’s breakout summer hit, “I kissed a girl.” So he decided to put the fear of God in some potentially promiscuous and inappropriately curious locals.

From MSNBC:

(P.S. I should add that I do not condone looking down on any particular religion just because of the way a few overzealous people represent it. Certain religions seem to have more of these types of people than others, but certain religions are also more common in these parts. Can’t we all just get along?)

The much-hyped Microsoft ad featuring comedian Jerry Seinfeld and Microsoft kahuna Bill Gates finally debuted during last night’s NFL game, and it seems to bank more on the established ideas that we have of Gates and Jerry than on what they’re actually doing - which isn’t much. The ad is being compared all over the Interwebs to the everyday comedy Seinfeld is known for, with headlines like “First Seinfeld Vista ad is out: and makes no sense,” “Microsoft’s Seinfeld campaign: random humor, no Vista,” “Seinfeld and Gates: Was this ad supposed to be funny?” “Seinfeld Vista ad is out, and it’s bizarre,” “The ad about nothing: Seinfeld and Gates go shoe shopping,” and my personal favorite, “Seinfeld / Microsoft ad - what’s the deal with that?”

It’s interesting to see how harshly people really dig into this ad, slamming it as “pathetic,” “thin on content” and “a total dud.” Everyone has been comparing it to the ubiquitous “Hi, I’m a Mac” ads that everyone holds so near and dear to their hearts. But I think it should be pretty obvious that Microsoft isn’t going for that approach. Microsoft has never been about shiny white panels, sleek cases and sex appeal. It’s been about people like Seinfeld - a little awkward, sure - but we still love him for what he does.

But seriously, though… they should have gone with this ad:

A couple weekends ago I spent a few days camping with some friends. For most of the trip, I did my best to annoy everyone by quickly spouting “that’s what she said!” in response to pretty much everything anyone said. Sure enough, today everything fell into place and I just happened upon three great related “twss” (as Natalye would say) examples online.

To play along, just shout “that’s what she said!” at your computer at each of these entries.

1. Top 10 Star Wars TWSS moments (1:13)

Sometimes, there’s nothing better than taking movie lines way out of context. This video does that very, very well.

2. When in doubt . . .

This image was actually posted (via Twitter) by a great blogger who writes about multimedia journalism. I’m not sure if he meant it in the ironic way that I enjoyed it, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all have a great laugh at its expense.

3. I’m sure lots of people would react the same way, dear

courtesy NY Daily News

For this one, you’re going to have to do a little work and read something (I know, I know, I’m sorry). But trust me, it’ll be worth it. This is the story of a woman’s amazingly home-grown zucchini, and the “shock” it brought to her. It’s filled with tons of priceless quotes that can really, only truly be appreciated by yelling “that’s what she said!” after each line. Here’s a sampling:

“I went to look at it one day and was like, ‘It’s a little long,’ then a few days later, I said, ‘Oh, my God, what’s this?’

“I was so in shock, I grow them every year, but never more than about 4feet.

“I decided I wasn’t going to touch it and just let it grow.”

She said several friends gave her zucchini seeds, but she doesn’t know who gave her the special one.

The home-care worker also grows tomatoes and string beans but says this fruit will not be making its way to her dinner plate anytime soon.

“I’m going to save it and use the seeds for next year,” she said.

“It’s getting hard, so wouldn’t be good to eat anymore and it’s starting to grow very slowly.

Make sure you read the full story from the New York Daily News for the priceless quote that ends the bizzare story.

I spend a lot of time online, and sometimes nothing makes me angrier than seeing the kinds of things that get popular on the web. People tend to gravitate toward hollow, attractive girls spouting off about nothing at all, or (if the past couple days’ most popular YouTube videos are to be believed) some TV shows that normal, rational people care absolutely nothing about. It’s times like these that make a person want to revert to some old stand-bys of Internet culture: angry people freaking out.

1. Slapping is probably pretty simple, actually (2:18)

If it wasn’t for the whole “I have no idea what’s going on in this clip” barrier here, this would be pretty self-explanitory… although it’s not like anyone really needs to know what the premise of this TV show is to enjoy the chaos that ensues here.

P.S. Apparently this was featured on one of my favorite shows, Attack of the Show! Unfortunately, I don’t get the station that has AOTS here, so I wouldn’t know. *sad face*

[update] - Just found the video of what happened just before the slap. I’m not saying she deserved it, but . . . *ahem*

2. Old women can hit, too (0:09)

Alright, I’ll admit - this is kinda funny, but nothing really spectacular. But it’s important to watch this video of someone allegedly talking about the drugs found in the system of somebody’s (presumably) dead daughter. Because after you invest nine seconds of your time on the original, you can fully enjoy the awesomeness that is the remix: (0:53)

3. Don’t worry, this is for science… (1:06) [honorable mention]

I can’t help but wonder how that decision process worked. “Hey guys, we need a volunteer for today’s experiment…”

This one has to get honorable mention status because there’s (presumably) not any real anger here … unless maybe this is retribution for the gentleman on the receiving end of the slap eating somebody’s lunch out of the employee refrigerator.

Ask someone to say something like a movie trailer narrator, and it’s likely the first three things out of his or her mouth will be “In a world…” in the deepest, raspiest voice he or she can manage. The prolific man who popularized that phrase, Don LaFontaine, died Monday. He was 68. According to the AP, the cause of death “was complications in the treatment of an ongoing illness, said Vanessa Gilbert, his agent.”

Although you probably can’t put a face to the name, you may have seen him in this 2006 Geico ad without realizing it:

Here is a great tribute to his life and career: (5:26)

LaFontaine’s trademark baritone voice became so synonymous with movie trailers that it became an important, expected part of the movies and pop culture in general. In this clip, comedian Pablo Francisco gives the voice a try. (3:10)

So there’s probably something wrong with me starting a blog posting off with a description of a movie I haven’t seen, but in my defense, I really wanted to see this year’s Be Kind Rewind, a movie which spawned a new genre of film: the sweded remake. In the sweded version of a film, a cheap home camcorder is used along with home-made props to recreate the original movie’s storyline… a lot faster. The results end up looking something like this:

1. A Cardboard Hope (1:47)

A clear winner for its impressive cardboard craftsmanship, this gem skips pretty much every part of the movie that isn’t a space dogfight. The best part of the soundtrack is clear - the signature scream of the Empire’s TIE Fighters.

2. The Empire Strikes Back in 60 seconds (1:00)

OK, OK. If you read the description for this video on YouTube, the first thing it says in all caps is “*THIS IS NOT SWEDED!*” Unfortunately for them, I’m taking the definition a little more loosly. It fits the criteria we’re going to use here, and it’s definitely worth 60 measly seconds of your time to enjoy this awesome ADD-indulging version of Episode IV.

3. Way too many stuffed animals (2:00)

Wait! Before you sigh heavily and click away from this one, give it about 20 seconds. The first time I watched it, I gave up before I got to the filmmaker’s hilarious interpretation of Jabba the Hutt and his little cackling friend (whose name I’m not quite nerdy enough to remember at the moment. wait. no. It’s Salacious Crumb. Damn you, Star Wars cards). The background “music” is tragicly loud, and it almost kills the watchability of this version. But not quite. Oh - and don’t forget to watch for Admiral Ackbar’s appearance.

Want more? Well it’s not really a sweded version, but if you have 20-something minutes to kill, check out the infamous Robot Chicken Star Wars special if you haven’t seen it already. It has some pretty priceless moments.

What are the odds? Yesterday I posted an old Michael Jackson video that I happened to stumble upon. Well it turns out (unbeknownst to me) that MJ turned 50 years old yesterday. Belated birthday wishes are in order. They come courtesy of the UK’s Daily Mail newspaper, which published an incredibly depressing portrait of the crumbling ruins of Jackson’s current life. The paper has sort of a tabloid-ish lean at times, and the story has a lot of un-sourced claims, so take it with a grain of salt. One such claim is this MJ-Photochop, supposedly created by an “expert” to show what the King of Pop might look like if he hadn’t gone under the knife all those times.

Courtesy UK Daily Mail

To be fair, there are way too many factors (his skin condition, for example) here to be sure. But it’s interesting. As is the (somewhat depressing) story:

A middle-aged man wearing pyjamas is being pushed in a wheelchair down a sidewalk by an assistant. He is gaunt and frail-looking. His skin seems to be peeling. His fingernails are a sickening shade of yellow-brown.

Beneath a red Marines baseball cap a surgical mask is visible, covering the bottom half of his face. A pair of large sunglasses shield the top.

Three children walk ahead - two boys and a girl. All seem happy and look adorable in colourful clothing. Their baseball caps do not seem a deliberate attempt to shield their faces.

Read the rest of the story here. It’s worth it.

[via Stereogum]

1. “Epic jail bait” (0:30)

Not only is U.S. Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson only 16, but she’s a gymnast. Which means she looks three years or so younger than she really is. Doesn’t she have somebody to read these scripts for her to look for red flag lines like “It makes my taco pop”? I mean really.

To quote a YouTube commenter, “epic jail bait” is the only thing that describe this mess of a double entendre.

Oh, and BTW … I’m pretty sure the Hamms have girlier voices than Johnson. But I’m not here to judge. Not them, at least.

2. “I think I made my family disappear” (11:01)

Michael Jackson is creepy enough by himself, but add in the somewhat forboding cameo in this 1991 video and it’s just … a little much. He (the cameo) is a hell of a rapper, though.

I’m using this site’s version because MJ has a stranglehold on the embedding of the YouTube versions.

…That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m moving and have way too much work to do.

For each great thing you can find online, it’s just as easy to find 10 awful things. Sometimes you even get unlucky enough to find two terrible, shame-inducing topics in the same vein. Take a look at these pairings and let me know which you think is more depressing:

1. Soulja Boy’s fans v. Soulja Boy’s music

Everybody’s favorite rapper’s MySpace was apparently hacked by a miscreant from 4chan last week, and here Soulja Boy explains how his record label superman’d that ho. Or … robocop’d… or … something…

Now, which is more depressing:

a) the fact that somewhere out there, there are 12-year-old kids listening to this horrible excuse for a musician - and ENJOYING his music

or

b) the fact that he has a new album coming soon (for the record, the entire time I was watching this video, I was waiting for the song to start)

2. Annoying blond videoblogger v. annoying video responses

Apple-fangirl “iJustine” (aka Justine Ezarik), who is best known for her 300-page iPhone bill, is apparently trying to transition from airheaded, super hot nobody to airheaded, super hot reality star. Along the way, she’s annoying us all with videos like this one: (hint: there’s a reason I’ve embedded the high-quality version. feel free to mute…)

This pointless story makes me want to punch a few babies… and it has almost half a million views. Ugh. But then I saw this video response, which is made by someone claiming to be 14 (and I’m 45… didn’t I tell you?). But I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on the guy. I mean … it’s hard to grasp all the subtleties of successful viral videos when you’re still learning to write in cursive.

3. Ridiculous physics v. ridiculous cash-cow milking (The Fast and the Furious)

Now, since I can already hear the angry Honda owners revving their tempers, a bit of full disclosure:

a) I like Hondas and Acuras. I post frequently on Honda-Tech.com (shout out to /26!) and currently drive a DB7 (shout out to people who know what that is).

b) I like the F&F franchise. It’s (somewhat embarassingly enough) one of the things that first got me interested in cars when I was younger… and more ignorant.

Now, with that out of the way, I present the new trailer for the next installment in the franchise, due out next summer. Make sure to check out the 1080p hi-def version on MySpace.

So, it’s pretty well-known that this franchise has never been known for realistic events. But… I mean … come on. Really? Extra points to anyone who can tell me what happens when you disconnect a big-rig trailer from the truck…

But wait … weren’t they done making F&F movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker? Well, I guess they’re just givin’ the people what they want: a sequel exactly like the original. Except with RALLY CARS. OMG!

Nowadays, everybody knows to look away from the TV during the commercial break, or to turn down the radio when the DJ talks about “pausing for the cause.”  So it’s only natural that advertisers turn to more sneaky ways of engraining their products into your head.

1. Have a chat with Optimus Prime (http://transformers.varitalk.com/)

You’ll have so much fun trying to figure out if Optimus Prime was programmed to say “Barack” or not that you won’t even notice he’s hawking the soon-to-be released Blu-Ray version of Transformers. The idea behind the site is that you enter in your name and the name of a friend, who will receive a call from Optimus himself warning of the trechery of another friend (whose name you provide). At the end of the process, it asks for your number, which shows up on your friend’s caller ID. So if anonymity is your goal, make sure not to use your cell phone number. The site also seems to keep track of how many times you use your own number, so you may have to switch to a different one to keep Optimusing all your friends.

2. Put a Porsche in your driveway … or somewhere else (http://www.porsche.com/all/usa/ican/#/picture-it)

I Can picture my friends wearing brand new Porsche hats.

This site promises to empower the masses to fantasize about cars they can’t possibly afford, and it seems to encourage the kind of douchebaggery that plauges drivers of fine luxury cars.

“Use your imagination, and our imaging tools, to get the Porsche of your dreams. Download the results onto your desktop and email to friends and family. Then watch the reactions pour in.”

The real empowering this site does is allowing anyone with no real Photoshop skills add a shiny new Porsche to any photo that happens to be lying around your desktop, just begging for some added luxury.

Photo courtesy Nick Avey.

3. Misleading Airborne ads = CASH MONEY (http://www.airbornehealthsettlement.com/)

OK, so it turns out that the schoolteacher lied to us. Airborne, everyone’s favorite fizzy drink additive, doesn’t do shit. As the Washington Post reports:

” ‘There is no credible evidence that Airborne products, taken as directed, will reduce the severity or duration of colds, or provide any tangible benefit for people who are exposed to germs in crowded places,’ ” said Lydia Parnes, director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection.”

And as disappointing as that may be, the good news is that we can trade our disgraced past with these placebo capsules for some cold (no pun intended), hard cash. The Post says the class-action lawsuit could cost the company $30 million in payouts of up to about $60 a person. If you bought any of the “medicine” between 2001 and 2007, you can file a claim for a refund online. And if you didn’t save your receipt (because we all know that everybody saves seven-year-old receipts for 10 bucks worth of cold medicine), you can provide a hand-written receipt from a store, or just settle for the “average retail price of the product” (“$10.50 per box of Seasonal, $2.75 per box for Gummi, and $6.99 per box for all other Airborne Products,” the website explains). You can file a claim for up to six boxes of Airborne products - until Sept. 15. You know I’m going to. That schoolteacher owes me for all the crappy glasses of fizzy orange crap she made me drink.

1. Working the crowd (3:11)

The 2008 Democratic National Convention has everyone buzzing this week, so it’s only natural that each station would send reporters to cover it. Some are just more well-received than others . . .

I don’t really care what your political views are, it’s always funny to see reporters “try to work (the) crowd” and get pushed around and chanted at. “DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN FREEDOM?”

2. “This little guy’s having fun” (1:04)
Some people are better with cats than others. This one is old, but it’s worth watching if you haven’t. Also, for bonus points, check out the follow-up story the station did. It’s rare that a station devotes so much airtime to … itself.

3. I’m so sick of these muthaf*kin lizards on this muthaf*kin broadcast! (1:01)

This one might be a bit dated also, but it’s always worth seeing wild animal segments on TV going awry. And in case you didn’t know, everything is funnier if you repeat it about a dozen times.